Discover which three fundamental ways there are to fulfill each other seven relationships needs and how they effect and predict the quality of your relationship.
A Quick Recap of the Seven Basic Needs in a Relationship
Please read my blog about the seven basic needs in a relationship if you haven’t already. It demonstrates how almost all relationship problems can be traced back to the insufficient fulfillment of each other’s basic needs. They belong together to tell the whole story. The basic needs are: safety and support, acceptance of who you are, attention, appreciation, connection, variety and fun, and desire. The more basic needs you fulfill for each other and the better you do it, the stronger the bond between you and the more intense the relationship becomes.
However, the way we are willing to fulfill these basic needs for each other predicts the emergence and nature of problems. It determines how you view your partner, how you experience and deal with conflicts, and how you influence each other to meet your needs. All of this naturally affects the passion, love, and sustainability of your relationship. Discover which of the three methods you use the most and know that this method is not fixed to your “character.” You have the freedom to choose a different approach.
The First: Taking
In this method, each partner puts themselves first within the relationship. The underlying reasoning is: I’ll give you what you want only if you fulfill my needs enough first. The more someone’s needs are satisfied, the more they give in return. There are moments when you are in sync with your partner, giving to each other wholeheartedly, and the relationship reaches peaks and feels fantastic. Then, there are crises because one of the two receives too little, and the other punishes or forces them to give again by not fulfilling certain needs (starting fights, not helping each other, distancing, etc.). As soon as there are problems, fulfilling the needs of the other person becomes a weapon. You cannot rely on the other person’s contribution, and the one who masters this power play the best benefits the most. The brakes on fulfillment are abrupt, and due to the many fluctuations and steep declines it causes, love cannot possibly grow. Ultimately, the periods of highs become shorter, and the lows become longer, reaching the lowest level of mutual fulfillment. The relationship feels impossible or dead.
The Second: Negotiating
In this method, both partners have a much greater awareness of each other’s needs but within a certain range and an invisible balance. The underlying reasoning is: I do consider your needs, but your fulfillment towards me must not deviate too much from mine towards you. Both of you protect your own needs, but there is clear cooperation when the other indicates a lack of fulfillment. You have many discussions and talk instead of making demands. Compromises are the norm. This method is the most common and significantly more sustainable than taking. A substantial portion of needs is reliably fulfilled, establishing a strong foundation of trust and respect in the early years. Love gets all the space to grow. There is still a brake, but it’s subtle. Therefore, in the best case, the balance you both strive for simultaneously becomes a ceiling for the depth of experiences you can have. Simply because you’ve stopped extracting more from your relationship. In the worst case, it slowly stifles the love between partners, until, over the years, they live together as brother and sister.
The Third: Unconditional Giving
This method is based on fulfilling needs without reservation. You don’t use any brakes to influence the other person, even when things are tough and the other person gives less. The underlying reasoning is: I won’t base the fulfillment of your needs on how much you fulfill mine, and I trust that you will correct yourself when you see it’s going off track or when I ask you to. Both of you actively monitor whether the other person’s needs are being fulfilled or what the other person needs and regularly evaluate whether it can be done differently or better. If so, you view the resulting actions as a voluntary contribution to the quality of the relationship and take pleasure in giving the other person even more love. This doesn’t mean that everything should be fulfilled without considering personal boundaries; otherwise, it would be a taking relationship. But in a giving mindset, boundaries are naturally respected.
Fuel for your Relationship Balloon
Fortunately, you can train yourself to grow towards giving more without making the fulfillment of your own needs subordinate to your partner’s. You’re not tied to the method you use most often. Continue to express what you need and how you’d like it, while still planning those enjoyable moments for each other or fulfilling your part of the agreement, even if your partner isn’t currently doing theirs. For most partners, this brings extra appreciation for the relationship. Try it, especially for small things: don’t walk away when you disagree about something, but talk it out and try to see the other person’s perspective. Then aim for a win-win.
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