In this blog, we will describe why unconditional love is a gift to your relationship to you and your partner, but most of all how you yourself benefit from growing into that.
Unconditional love is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. In this blog, we will describe how beautiful it is when you and your partner succeed in loving each other unconditionally in your relationship.
What is Uncontional Love?
There are many definitions you can find when you Google it. Most often, you’ll come across something like: “Loving the other person without expecting anything in return. Not trying to change your loved one to meet your standards but accepting him or her for who they are.”
This definition comes close, but in the context of what you can achieve in an intimate relationship, it falls short. This blog will delve deeper into this topic because the answer cannot be summarized in a few sentences. However, know that everyone can grow towards it, and it feels like coming home.
As children, we loved unconditionally. I call it having an open heart towards everything and everyone. Until we learned that love from others, like our parents, friends, family, and even lovers, often came with conditions. Sometimes, you were denied attention and love in certain situations or when you behaved in a particular way. How you dealt with that disappointment and pain became your reflex over the years when something unpleasant or upsetting happens in your relationship. But reflexes are powerful, and fortunately, you can untrain them. You are not your behavior; it’s just what you do. It begins with realizing that behind those reactions, there’s a fundamental way in which you (unconsciously) approach the relationship and try to influence your partner.
Three Fundamental Ways to Approach a Relationship
There are three fundamental ways in which you can approach a relationship: taking, negotiating, or giving. We all possess all three methods, but one is used far more frequently and becomes our default method. Until you learn to recognize it, you may not be aware of how much this default method influences your behavior. In my ebook “I Love You,” I describe them in detail. You will find it for free in our online course. This is necessary because only then can you have a clear picture of your default method. We tend to overestimate ourselves most of the time. The worst strategy is “taking.” In this approach, you are only willing to give to your partner when your own wishes or needs have been sufficiently fulfilled first. Most people use a negotiating strategy to coordinate things or resolve issues, which is a much better method than taking. It allows you to pay attention to your partner’s wishes and needs, but it must not deviate too much from the extent to which your own wishes and needs are fulfilled. I explain in my book why this method slowly extinguishes the vibrancy and passion in your relationship in the long run. Only one method leads you to the path of unconditional love, and that is the giving method.
Why would you want to grow towards Unconditional Love?
Because it’s one of the most valuable gifts you can give to yourself. You’ve unlearned how to keep feeling love and made yourself dependent on others. As soon as you rediscover it and learn how to create it within yourself, you will find that building your relationship and paying attention to each other becomes effortless. I emphasize “within yourself” because you need your partner to train it, but at the same time, you make it independent of your partner’s behavior.
It’s also the next logical step from the negotiating method. Consider this method as a pair of glasses you wear, continuously evaluating whether what you perceive is still acceptable. Any deviation, no matter how slight, puts you on alert and positive emotions fade away. When you grow towards a deep, unconditional friendship with your partner, you’ve reached the “holy grail.” But on the way there, we often get in our own way.
But then I am taken advantage of by my partner?
No, you are not and they don’t if you don’t let them. The basic method of unconditional giving doesn’t mean you have to accept everything. You clearly communicate your boundaries and what you need, and you may ask your partner multiple times if they can meet those needs. However, you don’t stop giving to fulfill your part of the relationship. If, over an extended period, your relationship needs are not met, it’s time to question how long you’re willing to endure hunger in your relationship and whether you deserve a better partner and relationship. It’s time to leave, and you might still love the other person even if you’re no longer together. It’s nothing more than keeping your heart open. You’ll find that you experience the process of farewell and the accompanying grief in a very different way. You’ll feel stronger, more self-aware, and not in a victim role.
Some Couples achieve Unconditional Love through Coaching
Unfortunately many people have a faulty belief that here is nothing to learn about how to grow a meaningful and enjoyable intimate relationship once you have the right partner. If it doesn’t happen effortlessly, we seek the ideal partner elsewhere. Fortunately, some couples find their way to coaching, usually very late in a crisis when partners have descended into the taking method. They see each other as adversaries. It’s already a significant step if we can guide them back to the negotiating method, where they start paying attention to each other again. Of course, even then, the balloon rises. But sometimes, couples are doing so well that we can show them the path to how to freely give. It’s fantastic to see because they then understand even better what a gift they are giving to themselves.
You will find more tips and advice on this topic, in our online training: the Experienced Level.