In the beginning, we shower each other with compliments, but over time, it becomes less frequent. Discover why it’s important to keep giving compliments and how they fill four out of seven Relationship Needs. So learn how to restart the compliment machine.

In the Beginning compliments were abundant!

Think back to the early days of your relationship, whether you had butterflies in your stomach or not, when you saw each other again. For many, it’s a time of intense connection and exploration. You probably gave each other compliments in various ways, about how the other looked, the nice places chosen, the friendly people you met, the activities you did, the humor you appreciated, and so on. The compliment machine was running at full throttle. Somewhere deep down, we know that giving compliments creates a connection and has an impact on the other person. We gladly deposit those compliments into the other person’s emotional bank account.

Why does it become less frequent?

The reason the compliment machine becomes less active is because, over time, predictability sets in. In my previous blog, I explained that no one can escape a certain routine in a relationship, as daily life demands it. But if we look more critically at ourselves, we might discover that amidst this growing predictability, we’ve started taking our relationship and our partner for granted. Ironically, this often comes from a good place. The relationship feels good; you enjoy it, it provides stability, support, and fills your Relationship Needs. In short, it feels like an important part of your life that has been fulfilled. Well done! You can now relax and focus your attention on other things like work, kids, friends, family, and hobbies. While this happens to the best of us, you should not be satisfied with it. But you might ask, why is it wrong? Let me explain.

Why is it important to keep giving compliments?

As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, it fosters a connection. The other person feels seen, appreciated, and, above all, it feels good to receive a positive comment about oneself. It’s different from criticism. It nourishes three of the seven Relationship Needs: the need for acceptance, attention, and appreciation. But it also affects you, perhaps without you realizing it, by shaping how you perceive your partner. It’s like water for the relationship plant. The prerequisite for all of this is that you genuinely mean what you say. That may seem obvious, but it’s not. If you don’t mean it, the other person will feel it, and the compliment loses its power and its effect.

Restart that compliment machine!

You only need to flip the metaphorical switch. You can start at a low level if you haven’t done it for a long time, to get used to it again. In most cases, setting a good example leads to others following suit. But if that doesn’t happen, discuss it with your partner. Make it enjoyable. Tell them you read about it in this blog (written by a man) and that it seems fun to experiment with it. See if it works. Alternatively, you can simply express that you miss this and would like to reintroduce it into your relationship. If your partner agrees, make a pact to give each other at least five compliments a day. Don’t criticize if they only give three, and you’ve given five. Keep it light and fun, but commit to it for at least a week. Know that we also use this approach in coaching.

Tips to get you started

Luckily, it’s easier than you might think. There are probably many things you take for granted over time that you can compliment each other on. For example, for the meal that was prepared, the laundry that was done, the enjoyable conversation you just had (or yesterday), the delicious barbecue, the help with… you name it. Many opportunities are right at your fingertips. You don’t even have to be in each other’s presence to deliver a compliment. Have you ever thought about sending a thumbs-up through a messaging app for breakfast this morning? And not just a thumbs-up, but also a message like, “It’s great how you always handle this so well!” Or send a random message about what you find special or awesome about your partner, out of the blue. I think you’re starting to get the idea.

Use gratitude to maintain your positive mindset

A sense of gratitude can be summoned. It’s not a trick; it’s a reminder that the positive side also exists. The positive image it conjures up makes it easier to find compliments. There are undoubtedly things in your relationship and your partner that you are grateful for. Just think about it. Seriously. List at least three things. Write them down and look at them until you genuinely feel grateful. Do this for a few days in a row, at least twice a day, and you’ll notice the impact. The power of gratitude is explained in many inspiring talks on TED.com. I highly recommend checking them out if you want to learn more.

If you want to learn more about this subject, you will find more delicious stuff in our online training.