Seven Relationship Needs are a Hierarchy (part 2)

The Seven Relationship Needs are Build Upon Each Other

They are stacked in this order for a reason. They are hierarchical in relation to each other. You can only work sustainably on a specific need if the underlying needs are fulfilled at at least a minimum level. You can see these needs as a pyramid. Only when, for example, the need for safety and support is met, can the needs for attention and acceptance be sustainably fulfilled. To satisfy the highest need, desire, all other needs must be met first, at least at a minimum level.

By filling the needs for safety and support, acceptance and attention for each other, a relationship will grow in trust and respect. It’s the foundation of every flourishing relationship. By jointly working on appreciation and connection, intimacy is created. By putting effort into variety and fun, together with desire, you bring passion into the relationship. This means it’s impossible to realize lasting passion in a relationship if there is insufficient trust, respect and intimacy! Just haphazardly trying to satisfy a random relationship need has no lasting effect unless you have adequately satisfied the underlying needs first.

Some practical examples how Insufficient Needs may Hinder

Just think about it: only if you accept your partner for who he or she really is, can you really appreciate him or her. However, you will also need to feel that your partner accepts you for who you are. Appreciation can only grow out of acceptance. In addition, you cannot create a connective bond if you rarely talk with each other only very little or not at all, or if you give each other only a small amount of personal attention. When you stop talking and ignore each other as a means of coercion when you have a conflict, you will tear down the level of trust and respect. You will immediately descend to the bottom of the pyramid and need to start all over again, even though you just spent a great night full of intense passion together.

Special attention should be given to the need for safety and support. This need affects all others. If your partner doesn’t trust you or doesn’t feel safe with you, a compliment or a nice chat won’t do you any good – even though you have the best of intentions. If this insecure feeling isn’t removed first, a person cannot be open to the things that are higher up in the pyramid. Behind this insecurity is a need that is not, or not sufficiently, met. Most of us have never learnt to pick up on this. As a result we look for solutions in the wrong place, for example by proposing to do something fun together, or we aggravate our partner’s insecurity by responding in the wrong way. We argue instead of trying to get closer.

Examples are personal….so you have to find out for the both of you

One of the biggest pitfalls is assuming your partner wants his or her needs filled the way you do. That means you probably will behave towards your partner in the same way you want them filled. If you start by assuming by definition they are different, you will embark on a quest to really find out. Simply because you can score points here kin your relationship and thus make your Love Balloon go higher! The interesting thing for most people in this quest is that it makes them think about what they need to have them filled.

There are more pitfalls - we deal with them in the online training for the apprentice level.