7 universal Relationship Needs define Love (part 1)

What hides behind the Struggles are... Relationship Needs

When couples come to me in crisis, a lot is going on. They may be experiencing distance, silence, heated arguments, temporary separations, a poor or nonexistent sex life, overall boredom, feeling lost in each other, and so on. In short, it's incredibly diverse. They work together to address the problems they've brought in themselves and find solutions. I then show them how the problems they initially brought up are all linked to the seven Relationship Needs, and how, now that they know this, they can deepen their relationship from this point forward by consciously fulfilling those needs even better for each other. When they grasp this concept, they enter a completely new phase, as long as they keep building.

Relationship Needs? Never heard of them...

That's correct because this vision and the associated insights and tools have emerged from over ten years of research, training, and coaching, refined with relationship coaches from various disciplines. You could say it combines several powerful techniques and perspectives, but above all, it simplifies what we often perceive as complex. A loving relationship is not a mystery. You have a direct influence on it by doing the right things together. Let's start with an introduction.

Every human has needs. Think of the basic survival needs like water, food, and sleep. In addition, there is a need for social contact. You may not need it to survive, but without family and friends, you would be much less happy. Fulfilling our needs is, therefore, a crucial factor for our well-being and happiness. In a romantic relationship, both partners have seven needs that interact in a unique way.

The better these needs are fulfilled for each other, the stronger the bond. How each person prefers to have these needs fulfilled is inherently different, and here comes the first pitfall. We often fill them for our partner in the way we would like them to be filled for us. In the online trainings you will learn how to translate these needs to your relationship and why that leads to a deeper connection with each other.

• Safety & Support

• Acceptance

• Attention

• Appreciation

• Connection

• Variety & Fun

• Desire

1. The Need for Safety and support

I feel safe with you. There is no mental or physical pain. We have an income, a house to live in, food and drink. There is a certain stability in our daily life. If I need you, I can trust you to be there for me. Your commitment to our relationship gives me a feeling of peace and trust.

2. The Need for Acceptance

I can be myself, with all my strong and weak points. I can express what I think and feel without being punished directly or indirectly, or having your love and attention withheld from me.

3. The Need for Attention

We talk with each other and pay attention to one another. We spend time together, focused on each other. Even if we are not together, we stay in touch.

4. The Need for Appreciation

When I’m with you, I feel important and appreciated. You show me that I’m special; that I count; that I’m unique.

5. The Need for Connection

I feel mentally and physically very close to you. You know my secrets and true feelings because you offer me the safety to share these with you. Our connection shows itself in lots of little gestures, including physical.

6. The need for Variety and Fun

Our relationship knows sufficient variety and fun to prevent us from getting into a rut. We undertake new things and regularly have fun together. Our relationship is comfortably unpredictable; you surprise me from time to time, and I surprise you.

7. The need for Desire

I feel you miss me and desire me. You find me attractive and sexy, and this fuels my own desire. I miss you and desire you, also when we’ve been apart for a while. I feel you are an essential part of my life.

The seven universal relationship needs have a specific order

They are stacked in this order for a reason. They are hierarchical in relation to each other. You can only work sustainably on a specific need if the underlying needs are fulfilled at a minimum level. To satisfy the highest need, desire, all other needs must be met first. Read more about this in the post on the hierarchy in the relationship needs.

Fuel for Your Relationship Balloon

You'll only find out how well you fulfill each other's basic needs and where you can improve by talking about it with each other. If you've never done it before, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but without such a conversation, you're sailing blind, thinking you know what works for your partner.

Read about the hierarchy in needs here.

Want to learn how to apply this in your relationship? Join our online trainings.