Find out why people, despite being in a relationship, still feel lonely and what you can do about it.

“It is very painful for people in a relationship to have no emotional connection with each other and to feel rejected, abandoned, or lonely every time they see their partner. We register this pain in the same part of our brains where we register physical pain.” – Sue Johnson

It is estimated that 33% of Couples Experience Loneliness in the Relationship

A few years ago, the results of a large study involving 370,000 Dutch people were published by the RIVM. One of the remarkable findings was that 33% of married or cohabiting individuals feel lonely. So, a significant portion of relationships experiences this. If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. However, the extent is noteworthy, indicating that there’s a deficit in the realm of relationships, and we are searching for ways to make things right. Feeling lonely in a relationship signifies something fundamentally wrong. In this blog, I’ll explain why loneliness is painful, why it’s important to address it, and what you can do about it.

Why is Loneliness so Painful?

The renowned relationship therapist Sue Johnson based her work on John Bowlby’s attachment theory. This British psychiatrist discovered around World War II that a secure emotional attachment and meaningful bond with a parent or caregiver are crucial for a child’s emotional well-being. Subsequent research shows that this applies equally to adults. In a relationship, we want to experience that meaningful and secure emotional bond with our partner. It provides inner peace and confidence, enabling us to better handle life’s challenges. When that connection is missing, it feels like restlessness, distance, emptiness, or an internal pain that drives some to try to restore contact through arguments or escape by emotionally shutting down and suppressing the pain. Both situations lead to further deterioration. Unbeknownst to us, we’re suffocating the relationship. It feels like there’s nothing left. Fortunately, that’s not the case.

Don’t settle for Loneliness

Loneliness fundamentally affects our well-being. Doing nothing about it is not an option. The price you (both) pay is too high. Perhaps you’ve been living as roommates rather than lovers for a while, or the relationship feels completely unbalanced because neither partner’s needs are considered. Decide to lead a life in connection. You deserve it, and it’s a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. If you want to breathe new life into your current relationship, you’ll need to work on it. At the same time, it’s important to realize that if your partner doesn’t want to cooperate, it’s time to consider how long you want to witness an empty understanding.

Connection Follows by Building “Being Seen Again” Together

Seeing each other as humans and partners with the accompanying needs fosters connection and collaboration (Robert Sternberg). It can take many forms, but it starts with the basic need for “trust and respect.” If these are not adequately fulfilled, there’s a blockage to connection and deeper bonding. You might be missing certain things to feel safe, or there might be insufficient stability in your relationship, or you might lack certain support that’s important to you. Maybe you don’t feel heard, there’s little daily attention, or there’s no equality as partners in various aspects. I could go on, but you’ll have to determine for yourself what you need and what your desires are to feel more seen. Connection only happens when you discuss it, make agreements about it, and put it into action, proving it to each other. That’s when you start building the path back. You can’t make this journey back alone.

For a mild case a good conversation can work wonders

You might not have had a good conversation about what you’re missing in the relationship for a while. Perhaps you’re even partly responsible for the loneliness because you haven’t voiced your concerns clearly, and your partner has been occupied with other matters without feedback. Overcome the hesitance you might feel about having such a conversation with each other. It’s the first step toward improvement. Think in terms of solutions and clearly state what you need, and don’t forget to explain how it would benefit you if this were better fulfilled. Don’t be surprised if it turns out that your partner is also missing things in the relationship. Then there’s work to be done for both of you.

For a severe Case seeking Help is Important

If it’s difficult to discuss, it’s likely that you’ve already built your lives strongly alongside each other – filled with various habits that will hinder finding common ground. If you notice this, it’s important to seek help to regain that commonality in a way that works for both of you. If it’s not easily discussed, but your partner is still willing to invest, definitely enlist the help of a coach.

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